Are you an includer?

Isn't it easy to feel lonely? As I stand on the school playground, waiting for my two eldest children to come out, I often look around and see groups of gathered mums and dads, chatting, laughing, listening, smiling. Sometimes, as I look on, I feel lonely. I then step back, and look out. I see individuals stood, waiting, all by themselves. They look lonely. In the same way, as my youngest child, Seth runs about with his little friends who are yet to start "Big School", I see the odd child stood alone at the side, or sitting on the ground, playing in the dirt, all by themselves.

There have been many, many occasions when my children have told me that, either at nursery or at school, they had "no-one to play with today". In fact, our school has a Buddy Bench, where lonely children can go to sit. The other children can then go over to the bench, and invite that child to play with them. What a great idea! Except when a child places them selves on the Buddy Bench, and then rejects another child's offer of company!!!

Loneliness is a terrible affliction. In his job as a Private Clients Solicitor, my husband, Dave often meets with elderly and bereaved people, in preparing Wills, Trusts and Probate for either themselves or their relatives. He often makes visits to hospitals, hospices and nursing homes, where he meets with people in varying stages of sickness or dementia. Many of the people who Dave meets and helps are lonely people. He sees men whose wives have died. He meets ladies whose children have grown up and left home. He meets very tired and sad people who are watching the "love of their life" dying.

This kind of loneliness is not something I can relate to. My children are young and remain at home. My husband and I are, thankfully, healthy and happy together. My parents live near-by and I am hugely blessed and grateful to be a part of a friendly and loving church community. Having said that, I have felt lonely. I have seen photos on Facebook of events that I've not been invited to. I have been involved in conversations where I do not understand the private joke that everyone else is laughing at.

I once delivered a birthday present to an old friend. When she answered the door, she seemed shocked to see me. She reticently invited me into her home, where a table laden with yummy food had been set. In a rush and with a red face, she explained that her church small group was meeting, and that she had offered to host for the evening. I smiled and made my excuses, knowing full-well that she was having a party, and that I was not invited. Later on that week, I discovered that most of my friends had attended her birthday party. I didn't feel cross, I just felt lonely.

Recently, I have felt a little lonely, but I have chosen to remember some great advice given to me - The way that I feel about something is not necessarily a true reflection of the way things are.

Therefore, my loneliness is a feeling and not an actuality.

Not only are my feelings not always to be relied upon, but neither is my perspective. As I look into the centre of my social sphere, I am unable to see the people outside, looking in. You see, there are always people further from the centre than me.

I often hear that people feel lonely. Either they are feeling the lack of invitations to Sunday lunch, or they wonder why no small groups are relevant to them. They see groups of friends holidaying together, or families joining other families for afternoon outings. As they look on, they find themselves excluded and feeling lonely. As a single mummy, I had to force myself to call my friends, go along to social events and organise my own. I learnt to get past my pride, and involve and invite myself. I thankfully had a some great friends, who were includers.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like, if we were all includers. If we took a moment to look outside of our social circle and see who was on the edge, how many new friends would we make and many lonely people would feel a part of something. If the lonely people included other in their lives, surely they would be too busy to feel lonely?

Maybe I'm just being naive, but it seems to me, that if we stopped moaning and starting inviting, maybe we'd never feel lonely again. When I include others, I feel far less lonely!! Let's get out of own our heads, get past our pride and invite someone over. Phone someone tomorrow, and arrange to meet for coffee. Leave behind your fear and feelings and look for the person on the edge - the person who needs to be included - and include them.

Change your life, and become an includer!