Benji, my baby brother

I think I've mentioned my house before. As I walk up the stairs (about a million times-a-day, carrying a million times my weight in clothes, toys and bags) I am met at the top by a comforting site. The shelf at the top of our stairs (restored by me) is an old dresser top. It is painted cream, and houses special memories - Seth's first shoes, a dried bunch of flowers from Dave to me, a few shells from Swanage Beach, my favourite book as a child, "Milly Molly Mandy Stories", a blue, ceramic clock made for me by a student's mum and lots of photos. Without a doubt, the photo that makes me smile the most is one that I inherited from my Nanny Pocock when she died. On the top shelf, next to the ceramic clock, sits a small gold, oval frame, enclosing a photo of two children: a smiley baby boy, sitting in front of his first birthday presents, with his dark-haired big sister supporting him, sitting behind. The girl is me, the baby, my brother.

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned my brother on here before. If not, I think I know why. You see, trying to describe my brother is very difficult. I struggle to describe him to anyone for fear of not finding the right words, or people believing what I say. So, this blog entry will be written without fear. It may seem incredulous and it may seem a bit sickly sweet, but I don't care. There are times when we need to speak our heart, and this is one of them. I just hope that it doesn't sounds like an obituary!!!

Benjamin Charles Pocock was born at around 11pm on 5th September 1984. The first I knew of it, was when I was woken up, by my next door neighbour, to find myself in their house...I'd been asleep when my dad had carried me over!!! I came downstairs and was given the phone. I remember hearing my dad's voice, saying, "Sally, you've got a little baby brother!" He was really excited. I had hoped for a sister, but when I saw my little baby brother the next day, I completely fell in love with him. Oh my goodness, right now as I write, I am sobbing!!!! Pull yourself together, woman!!!!

In the hospital shop, I bought Ben a little white rabbit, with a blue outfit on. It had a little blue ribbon sewn into the top of its head in a loop. It was just like Bun Bun, my most precious toy. As I went into the room where my mum was staying, I remember seeing a tiny bundle, wrapped in a white blanket, laying in a plastic cot. Mum picked him up and held his little pink face in her hand, whilst his little bottom rested on her knee. His face looked all squashed and I laughed.

At the age of 7, and having never had a sibling, I was so excited when Mum and Dad told me that they were going to have a baby. I lay on the floor kicking my legs and shouting, "woo hoo" with excitement. This pleasure at having a baby brother has not ever dwindled. I remember his first night home from hospital. He started to cry during the night and I went into his room , to see if he was okay. Mum told me not to worry as he would be crying a lot and it didn't always mean he was upset. Ben's crying never bothered me. He never bothered me.

I remember his first birthday - the first time he crawled!!!! A year old for a first crawl was pretty late, but Ben didn't need to crawl as I brought everything to him!!! Ben's smile was so cute - he had quite a chubby face and so his eyes were quite slitty!!!! So cute!!

As a toddler, Ben was very funny. He was incredibly shy in public. He would often put his hands over his eyes (if I can't see them, then they can't see me) or hide behind Mum's skirt. But at home, Ben was the entertainer. His favourite was to bend over and look through his legs. Occasionally, this would be accompanied by his "funny laugh" - "ohhhhh hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!!"

Ben was a Wise Man in his pre-school nativity. He walked in, head held high and amazed everyone with his confidence as he passed myrrh to the Baby Jesus.

As Ben started school, he made friends easily - Rodney, Richard and Frank - such funny names for little boys!!! His first teacher, Mrs Cowley adored Ben as he was so easy to teach and such a kind soul. Ben was never in trouble and was very popular. I remember that he even had a little girlfriend, called Katy. Around this age, on one occasion, I was really mean to Ben. I was 12 years old and having a chat in the kitchen with my friend, Katie. Mum had popped over to a neighbour's house and I had been left in charge. Ben had wanted to be with me and Katie in the kitchen and I had closed the door with him out in the hall way. I held the handle of the door so that he could not get in. He cried and pulled the door and eventually, I let go. Well, Ben got a whack on the forehead from the door and fell over with the force of it. I felt terrible. I cried, while Ben just sat there, rubbing his head. I don't remember ever hurting Ben again. He was so precious to me, that I couldn't bear to hurt him.

Ben and I, despite being 7 years apart in age, often played together as kids. Holidays to Swanage were awesome. Trips to the arcade, crabbing off the harbour and dinghying off the shore, rowing about with each other, and building sand castles. I loved playing with Ben, and rarely felt irritated by him or crowded. We did have our own little squabbles: who would get what table mat at Sunday lunch? Who sat on the sofa nearest to the telly? Who got the most squash in their cup? But Ben and I did not argue, did not fight and were not mean to each other.

We had our private jokes, silly made-up songs and shared hilarious memories.

Going to uni was difficult. I really missed Ben. He was 11, and started secondary school whilst I was away. He once was nudged by a bully at school, as they passed each other on the playground. When I heard that this bully had even nudged my brother, I was ready to find him and really hurt him. I was so angry. Ben was perfectly capable of handling himself, but it didn't stop me from wanting to grab that kid by the neck and scare the living daylights out of him.

Another thing that happened to Ben whilst I was away was that he got baptised. Mum sent me an audio recording of his personal story and the actual baptism. Although I was far from God and not attending church, I was so pleased that Ben was going for God. His testimony was strong, and I knew, as Mum had prayed for him every night, that he would be a "mighty man of God".

Ben remained often on my mind. In my final year at uni, I struggled with what I now know as depression, and I generally treated myself really badly. One night at a party, I had taken two ecstasy pills. I had felt a bit odd and so I sat down on a bed, in front of a Salvador Dali painting. At the best and most lucid of times, one of Salvador Dali's paining could confuse you, but with added narcotics, it became very frightening. My heart began to race, and my ears became muffled. I must have looked a bit strange as suddenly, people were gathered around me. At that moment, I thought that I was going to die. I knew that I had taken too many and probably a "dodgy" pill - they're ALL dodgy, but some are "cut" or mixed with other drugs. I immediately thought of my mum, my dad and my brother, knowing that they were my life before, my happy life, my safe life. I vomited pretty heavily and felt better straight away. That night, I slept it off and vowed not to take drugs again.

Not long after uni and teacher training, I moved home and began my first job as a teacher. As you may have previously read, I became unexpectedly pregnant. Ben was in the middle of his GCSE year. I felt ashamed and so I apologised to Ben. What kind of example was I? How on earth could Ben respect someone like me? He'd not let me know he felt ashamed of me as he was too nice a person, but I thought he'd feel it. So, when I said sorry, I expected him to feel disappointed but say "that's ok". Instead, Ben simply said, "you should say sorry to God, not me." I was floored. Such wisdom. Such humility. Such grace. How had he got it all?!?!

Needless to say, Ben was devoted to Roo. When Roo was born, I immediately called him Little Pookey - for a while Ben had been called Pookey (only by me!!) All I wanted for Roo was that he turn out like my brother. In fact, that 's all I want for both of my boys, to this day.

On my wedding day, Ben and I saw each other in the foyer of the church just after Dad and I arrived. I couldn't keep eye contact with him for long. I knew I'd cry. He looked so smart and I knew he'd cry too!! He said Grace at our reception - no-one could have done it better than my little brother. He was awesome.

Ben is an amazing uncle. When Roo was born, he suddenly was known - all the time to our family - as Benji. My children love him. They cheer when they know they're going to see him. They cry when they can't. They play with him, have fun with him and listen to him. They miss him when they are not with him. He is kind, cuddly, loving, firm and accepting of who they are. My husband loves Benji. He really likes him, thinks he's "a really solid guy". Dave says that Benji "is a guy of real quality." My sentiments exactly.

Benji makes good choices. He follows God wherever he takes him. He goes on adventures. He squeezes every exciting element out of life. He leads strongly, he follows humbly and with commitment. He works hard, has loads of friends and takes everything in his stride. He puts up with no rubbish, but is very gentle and kind.

Benji also has the most wonderful girlfriend. As he has grown, I have prayed that he would marry someone beautiful, kind, funny, clever,and godly. Although they are not married yet, Heather has exceeded all of my prayers and hopes for Benji. If it is possible, she makes Benji a better man. She is amazing. They are amazing together. They are silly together and serious together. I love them together. She is my friend, too - encouraging, generous and funny. I love Heather very, very much. I am so pleased that they found each other - another good choice by my little brother!!!

I said at the beginning of this entry that I find it very hard to describe my brother. As I come to the end, I feel unsatisfied. I have not said all I want to say. How can I? How can I describe one of the most precious people I have ever known? Benji simply is my brother, my inspiration, my hopes fulfilled, and my great friend. I trust him, and I really like him. I love him so very much, and although I want him to live a full life with Heather, their children and the travels they plan, I do not ever want to be apart from him. I want them to go wherever God takes them - and feel thoroughly released, but I will forever be waiting for Benji to pop round for a cup of tea and a giggle.

I guess he might read this. If so - we know each other, don't we, Ben? And whilst I've babbled on for ages, I know, that you know...words can't describe how I feel about you, my precious baby brother xxx