I sometimes wonder whether I am the only person who isn't hugely excited about a New Year. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the holidays and all that it involves, including New Year's Eve. I am not unhappy at the moment, or anxious about what lies ahead, but I do feel that January 1st is "just another day".

I don't have any New Year's Resolutions. I don't have any Big Plans for 2010. I don't feel hugely reflective about last year, and I don't feel hopeful about this year. I feel pretty chilled and, I guess, a little "numb".

You see, I have hopes and plans for the future. I'd like to lose some weight and get fitter. I'd like to move house, so that we can be nearer to our church and our kids' school. I'd like to spend more time with my close girlfriends, and to be a blessing to other women in my life. I'd like to react in a calmer and more positive way to my children. I'd like to see more romance in my marriage. I'd like to be more organised and to remember dates and meetings. I'd like to learn to surf. I'd like to read and study my Bible...regularly!!! I'd like to have a tidier house. I'd like to be more creative...maybe write a book...or a series of books!!!

The fact is, I'd like to do and be, a lot more than now. But, I recognise that there are reasons why this stuff has not happened....yet. Some things are not my priority. Some are out of my reach. I can accept this. I do not need to feel guilty or pressured. I know that as soon as I "commit" to any of these plans or hopes, I want to run a mile in the opposite direction. You see, I find commitment really difficult. I am not close friends with responsibility, commitment or discipline. Does this make me immature? Does it make me lazy? Or is it just a part of my personality?

The truth is, I don't actually know. But, what I do know is that Jesus came to give me "life and life to the full". He came to set me free. I know that when I tell myself to do something or "resolve" to change, I do not feel "free". I feel stuck, limited and pinned-down. When I convince myself to "do better", my feelings cause me to fail.

I have often been involved with things that I find very difficult - leading a cell group, doing a desk job, co-ordinating an event, working with children. I have felt terribly guilty that I have not enjoyed these things. I have told myself that a good, Christian woman should be able to do these things, even if they are not enjoyable. If I am "stretched", even if it hurts, this must be a good thing, as I am learning, trying, working, striving. I know that I am not alone in thinking like this.

A precious friend of mine was recently encouraged to take part in something that she dreaded, found boring and felt uncomfortable with. Her encourager said to her, "It's not about what you want to do...it's about what you should do." I understand that in life, some things do us good. I understand that God is my Father, my Parent and that discipline is part of Parenting. But does my Father want me to feel under pressure and stressed? Does He want me to be useless or useful? I am much more useful when I feel happy. I am much more useful where I know what I'm doing and I actually enjoy it.

So, this year, I hope to take each day as it comes. I hope to enjoy each aspect of every day. I hope to indulge in the things that make me feel satisfied and make me feel alive and free. i hope to write, knit, sew and create. I hope to play, smile and chat. I hope to have a positive effect on the people around me. I hope to make other people feel special. I hope to have real, truthful, productive conversations with people. I hope to make new friends.

I am so thankful for the blessings of last year. Dave was made redundant and got another job. I became part of a lovely knitting group in Camberley. I spent more time with the girls in our youth group, who I desperately love. I began to spend time on my own in coffee shops, knitting and thinking...and often meeting new people. I had a wonderful two-weeks with my beautiful, crazy family in Swanage, Dorset. I camped for a week at Newday with our gorgeous young people. I made two new amazing friends, Susan and Julie. I had a the great privilege of remembering our friend Ian, in Cornwall, where I met his friends, laughed and cried with Ya, his wife and my precious friend and learnt to body board.

But I do not want to look back or forward. I want to just look and appreciate - the trees, the snow, the sunshine, the rain. Yarn, fabric, colour and sparkle. Smiles, laughs, shouts and songs.

I am thankful for a new day, with new possibilities. Another day with my husband and children, making a difference, and enjoying all that God had given me.