Wednesday 17 August 2011

How Long?



How long has it been since I last wrote? Too long, is my answer as I LOVE to do this and I feel fidgety if I don't write... There's no real reason, other than life getting in the way - school runs, coffee with girlfriends, making stuff (pin cushions for leaving teachers, bridesmaid dresses for my brother's wedding, jam for the winter after foraging sessions with the kids, an amazing veggie patch that has given out strawberries, carrots, broccoli, courgettes, peas, bean, corn....awesome), family holidays, school holidays...It's all just "stuff". Important stuff, sure, but it's the same stuff that distracts me from precious time I should be spending with Jesus and time I should be spending just "being", breathing, watching, thinking, writing, praying....




If I look back, I have often asked the question, "how long?" As we returned from a recent holiday to Kent, we stopped for an urgent skinny hazelnut latte....I stood in a slow, long queue, waiting to be served. A kind and smiley barista calmly and carefully took his time with each order, making sure the foam was of a high quality, that the espresso was smooth and not too strong or weak, gently, but firmly placing the lid onto each cup, ensuring a pleasurable coffee for each customer. What fantastic service, all with a smile. And yet, it was not fast enough for me. When I finally received my coffee, faking a smile, thanking him through gritted teeth, I grumbled to my poor, long-suffering husband as we left the service station, stating the wait to be the longest I had EVER experienced for a coffee, and asking him to remind me to avoid this coffee shop in future. The coffee, incidentally, was delicious and was demolished in minutes.

I am just terrible at waiting. Waiting seems so unnecessary. It seems like needless torture. It seems like a cruel joke that God plays on us to show us that He is really in charge and there's nothing we can do about it.


A month or so ago, I was invited to speak at a church in Surrey. And I spoke on Waiting. At the time, we were waiting for money to buy a car. Ours had broken and we therefore were relying on lifts from friends, local buses and our feet!! I had been waiting for healing from depression for about three years. I had been waiting for a diagnosis for our son, who has found the school environment pretty tough since he got there!! We had waited for a new job for Dave after redundancy. I had watched friends wait for healing from cancer, other friends wait for a baby. I had waited for a new ministry to unfold for me. For such a long time I have longed to speak, to preach to share what God is telling me, and how He is changing and teaching me. I had prayed, I had been prayed for and I had been anointed with oil!! By a real-life pastor!!! (And I had been waiting for my husband to fix the cupboard door under the stairs....)


I spoke about how God wants to use us as we wait. He has an urgent use for our gifts and strengths while we wait. He has a place for each of us to serve while we wait. He wants to use our waiting to teach us patience, yes, but He will also change us while we wait. He takes us through periods of waiting, not just to make us appreciate the time when He finally answers our questions or when He blesses us with what we have longed for, but also so that we can learn how to trust Him, believe in Him and become more like Him.


At the moment, I am waiting. I am waiting for God to show us where to go, what to do and when to do it. I have a history of impatience and it seems that I also have a history of forgetfulness. Because, in my life, I have often waited. I have not collapsed under the pressure or been disappointed with God's intervention. An intervention, I might add, that has always come, in His time.


You see, God did not give us money for a new car. He gave us a car. A generous family in our amazing church passed on their Honda CRV - big enough for our three kids and us, in great condition, with a full MOT and service.


God has delivered me from the hold that depression had over my life. I am still careful to rest, medicate myself and look out for the signs, but I am no longer bound by the fear of a breakdown.


We have a clear and correct diagnosis for our son - Autistic Spectrum Disorder. He understand his feelings now and, although we are still on a journey, we feel better able to understand him and guide him well.


Dave got a new job, and there was not a day when we went without food, treats and fun.


We have known four people who have been given the all-clear of cancer - one I only learned of today!!! Cancer has killed some, but we have seen restoration in the lives of their husbands, wives and children, and we have been greatly comforted by the sure and certain knowledge of their eternal life with Jesus!!


We have seen a number of miracle babies born after long waits, and also we have seen orphaned and abandoned children blessed with new, loving, adoptive parents.


More opportunities and invitations to speak have emerged, and I have loved every minute, feeling so very encouraged and blessed, by sharing in other people's journey with Jesus.


God has not let me down. He has not ignored me. He has answered and He has blessed me. The cupboard door for under the stairs is still not fixed.....but I can wait!