Fantasy Man

Man, yesterday was just one of those days! I had a shocker. The second official day of the Summer Holidays, all three kids at home, burning hot sun, virtually no breeze, Dave at work, tired, hungry, fed up and frustrated. I yelled, and screamed at my kids on numerous occasions. I sent them to their bedrooms, for at least five lifetimes each, cried, listened to their apologies, offered mine, received their forgiveness, felt guilty and cried a bit more. The house was continually messy whilst I tried to continually tidy, the kids had totally different agendas from each other, one wanting to make a film, one wanting to play football, one wanting to build a camp in the garden - all wanting to do carry out their plans in the same garden...

I had decided to rest (with three kids, a virtual impossibility) and wanted some peaceful, quiet space in the cool living room, watching trashy TV or reading my new Summer holiday book ("Time of My Life by Cecelia Ahern...I LOVE her magical, funny and moving stories) but the kids continued to fight each other, break stuff, repeatedly ask for sugar-based snacks.

My eldest has just left Primary school, will be starting secondary school in September,and is therefore almost a teenager. Along with being a teenager, comes the "I'd-rather-have-a-bath-in-acid- with-Ann-Widecombe-than-spend-time-with-any-of-you" attitude, as well as an instinctive and healthy longing for independence. So, I'm on a massive learning curve of letting him go, giving him space, but at the same time teaching him the responsibility of family life and the importance of quality time together....needless to say, he and I are pretty much at war at the moment. And it's not a Cold War, it's a Burning Hot, Raging and Explosive War. Lots of fun. Oh yeah. Awesome. No, really.

So, last night, with a pretty tough day behind us,  after my children were all nestled all snug in their beds, with visions of unlimited ice cream in their heads, my poor, long-suffering husband Dave got the brunt of my day, in the form of a massive crying meltdown. I cried. I told him all of the things that I didn't like about myself. I sniffed a lot. I told him of all my terrible thoughts from the day. I told him that I felt frustrated, that I wanted to run away and to lie on a beach with a book and ignore everyone. I told him how I had eaten too much food - most of it fattening - and how I hated myself for losing control again, with my eating and with my use of expletives in front of our kids. I told him that I wouldn't blame him for choosing any other woman over me and how I felt that the kids would be damaged by my incompetence as a mum. I told him how I felt lonely and friendless, and how I felt as if others rolled their eyes at me, and my constant verbal/literal outbursts. I was having a Proper Pity Party, and no mistake!

"And what", I hear you ask, "did Dave say or do in response?" Well, as Dave would say, "That is a very good question." Dave listened. Dave acknowledged my feelings as valid. Dave explain that despite my feelings being valid, that they were feelings and not facts. Dave reassured me of his love for me, and his attraction to me, despite the amount of food that I had eaten. He told me that there was only one woman for him and only one mum for our children...and that was me. Dave reminded me of wonderful friendships that I have with wonderful people, and of the encouraging words I have received from so many friends. Dave also firmly told me that I need to stop being so hard on myself, that I need to rest and that he expected me to sleep as much as possible on our upcoming holiday in Dorset. Dave also was extremely firm in rebuking my feelings of guilt towards him or my children. He told me that he was proud of me and that his love for me would not change. Dave then sent me to  bed. He prayed for me this morning, and today (so far!) has been so much better.

This morning, as I recalled the conversation that Dave and I had last night, I found myself thanking God for this amazing man that is mine. He really is all I have dreamt of. He fulfils each point on a list that I wrote, describing my perfect husband to God. He is strong, kind, funny, generous and intelligent. He is handsome and humble and a hard-worker. He pursued me, at risk of looking silly. He is patient and understanding. He is friendly and easy to spend time with. Wow! A Fantasy Man!

Recently, with the release of "50 Shades of Grey", The Fantasy Man has hit the headlines. Mr Christian Grey seems to be featuring pretty regularly in the lives and imaginations of many women, if recent Facebook status updates are anything to go by! I've not read the book, so I am a little ill-informed about the character of Christian Grey, and to be honest, I'm not really that interested. But, I have been thinking a lot about the kind of man that a woman looks for. We all have different tastes, and as we live our lives, our tastes definitely change. But I have noticed something. Many of the women that I speak to are longing for a kind, honest, considerate, understanding, helpful , hard-working and strong man. They are searching for him. They are waiting for him. Many have not met him. Many have met someone who they hope will turn into him!

I'm not sure how this ideal, perfect man can be found, but I do know that many of us settle for second best, or less. I don't have any advice or any pearls of wisdom as to how to find this man, or how to change your current man into The Fantasy Man. I guess, I just felt a need to write this post, just in case anyone reading this needed reminding...You are precious...and you deserve the best. Choose well. Choose a kind, strong man, who loves you as you are, and challenges you to be the best. Choose a man who puts you first, before himself and sets you free to be happy, enjoy yourself and live life abundantly. Choose a man who is glad to say sorry when he is wrong and will do everything he can to make positive changes. A man who points out all of your faults, criticises your choices and withholds affection will bring you down and make you weak. A man who cuddles you, laughs at your jokes, and boasts to his friends about your beauty, intelligence and strengths will make you strong. For goodness sake, aim high and you'll end up living The Fantasy Life with the Fantasy Man.

What about him?

For as long as I can remember, I have compared myself and my life to others. I'd love to say that I have never been bothered by the achievements of others, and that the way other people look, has no impact on me at all. I'd love to say that I've always been content with "my lot", and that the lives of other people do not appeal to me. I'd love to be able to say that I've never seen the "grass as greener" on the other side of anyone else's fence. But the truth is, that I have often felt jealous of other people.

I can recognise the good things in my life. I am blessed with possibly the kindest husband to ever have graced the Earth with his presence. I have three healthy, bright, creative, loving children, with whom I became pregnant very easily. Each of my children have gained school places in our "first choice schools". I live in a sweet character house, which we own. We have a car which starts every morning. I live in a country where I can freely express myself. Both of my lovely parents are still alive and together. My amazing brother and I have a great relationship, and he is married to a girl who I absolutely adore and continually boast about!! I have an amazing array of awesome girlfriends who bless me in varied ways - girls who feed me, girls who make me laugh, girls who challenge me, girls who teach me stuff, girls I can cry with, big sisters, little sisters. I have had amazing opportunities in my life - school, university, great jobs, varied ministries, two loving and vibrant churches. I have had great financial blessings including cars being given as presents...in fact, all four of the cars I have owned have been given to me, including my beloved 1976 VW Beetle, Boop...oh how I miss her!!

Aside from these "external" blessings, God has blessed me with talents. I can sing pretty well,act, sew, knit, spin my own wool, bake, (my creativity is varied!!!) talk for Great Britain, preach, write, write songs, relate to all kinds of people and make people laugh. As my American friend, Bekah, describes herself, I too, am a "Janice of all trades".

Despite all this, I really struggle to enjoy the success and opportunities of others. There have been many, many times when I have seen other people given opportunities to have a new adventure, start a new ministry, or lead a project. This is life, isn't it? We all get to do new things, and enjoy progress at various times of our lives. But many of those times, I have felt bitter, sad and even angry that it was not me that got these things. Rarely have I envied money, but it is much more recognition that I have craved and, therefore, envied in others.

I am sure that many people would be astounded that I might crave the life or opportunities of other people. Why should another's life have any impact on mine? Why would I want something that someone else has, when I have so much anyway? The truth is, that it is only very recently that I have started to ask myself this question and try to work out the answer.

The answer is not very pretty. But seeing as though this post is honest and not very "pretty" either, I may as well keep going. In truth, I have often felt that I am viewed as "not quite satisfactory". Since I was a little girl, I have assumed that others see me as unintelligent, irritating, lazy, nosey, too big for my boots, moany, whiney, and fat. As an adult, I have also developed the belief that I am seen as "a loose canon", "very up and down", "flighty", "uninvolved with my children" and unreliable. Let me be very, very clear. This blog post is not designed to elicit reassuring comments or encouraging truths. I have been repeatedly reassured by trusted friends, who I believe would tell me the truth (good or bad) and I have had lots of counselling. I know that many of these things are not true. I have learnt that I have dwelt upon many lies that have somehow wormed their way into my psyche.

My own low opinion of myself and, more specifically, my concern that I am overlooked because of the low opinion of others, has left me with a natural and immediate tendency to envy others. The real problem with envying others is that my envy very quickly turns to judgement. I start to question the motives of others. "Why did they accept that promotion? What is their motive? Why do they think they can do it? How proud they are! If everyone knew what they were really like, they'd NEVER have been promoted!"

I then develop an unhealthy dislike and obsession. I begin to have imaginary conversations. I pray the wrong kind of prayers, "Lord, show everyone the truth! Show everyone what that person is REALLY like. I just feel that it is not right!"I gossip with others, under the guise of "genuine concern". "I'm just not so sure that they can cope with the responsibility. I'm really worried for them."

So, why have I chosen to write about this? Why am I sharing this? I guess it helps me. To admit that this is an issue for me is scary. I don't want everyone to know the really rubbish things about me. I've shared some of the rubbish things before...just not the really rubbish things. But I want to be free of it. In the past I have shared my battles with others, and it seems to have broken its power over me. I am hoping that by sharing this, its power will be broken.

And, the other reason that I am sharing this is that I know I am not alone. Jesus had a friend who he knew really well. His name was Peter. Jesus knew his strengths and he knew his weaknesses, and Jesus loved him anyway. Jesus gave Peter an unbelievable promotion. Jesus told Peter to build the church. The whole church! The first ever church! He told Peter that he would have the great responsibility, and privilege of starting the most powerful and important ministry EVER. Peter had been chosen - by the Son of God - to lead. He was verbally instructed and picked out of the crowd by Jesus himself.

Even when face-to-face with God, when offered with the greatest honour possible, Peter could not help himself. You see, Peter shared my weakness. He turned to another man, John, pointed to him and asked Jesus, "What about him?" I can imagine how Peter's mind was racing, just as mine would have been, "What does he get to do? Is it better than what I have to do? I bet it's more exciting than my job. Will he be famous? I bet he gets a better job. I bet he gets to travel. He'll be famous, everyone recognising him, and, meanwhile I'm working my butt off and no-one will even know my name. He always gets the good jobs. Whatever."

Jesus didn't leave Peter to dwell on his envy. He immediately challenged Peter, "If I want him to live until I come back, that is not your business. You follow me."

"You follow me." "You follow me." God has my life mapped out. I really do believe that. And God loves me. This means that the plan He has for me is amazing. His plan is fun, and satisfying, and exactly what I need. If I follow Him, focus on Him, and do whatever He has for me, then surely I'll not miss out. Surely I'll not be forgotten and I'll have a wonderful life.

This post has been more of a journal entry than a blog post. Sometimes I question why I blog. Do I want to be a famous writer? Do I want to be recognised? Do I really make myself this vulnerable so that others can be set free, or do I just want the praise? I'm not sure. But I am sure that I want God to change the rubbish in me. I want to enjoy an abundant life and be free. I want to be satisfied and content. Maybe by sharing this weakness, its hold over me will be broken, and I will be free to focus on what God has for me.