Me: merchant ship!!

In yesterday's post, I said that I did not "deserve" the good things in my life. I'm sure that many of my lovely friends would tell me that I do. I'm also sure that many people would look at that statement and assume that my self-esteem was very low, or that I had some kind of Christian-guilt issue. Well, I'd like to make myself really clear. I do not deserve stuff, but I am worth a lot.

I have come to realise that much of my approach to life, is built on the things that I believe. For example, I believe that conflict needs to be resolved. This causes me to feel very uncomfortable in agruements, but it also makes it virtually impossible for me to function, without resolving that arguement. I believe that gossip is unproductive and wrong, and so I choose my friends really carefully. I stand in particular places on the playground so that I can avoid the temptation to gossip.

After reading a book called "The Lies that Women Believe, and the Truth that sets them Free", I became accutely aware of the lies that I had believed and the ways that these beliefs had affected me.

For a very long time, I had felt that I was a disappointment to my parents. During my childhood, I had been fairly easy to parent - with the exception of some fairly spectacular tantrums during my "terrible twos". As I became a teenager, life remained fairly easy. Despite the occasional teenager/parent mis-communication incident, we all got on very well. But when I became unexpectedly pregnant at the age of 22, I knew that my parents felt very disappointed with me. I had studied for 4 years to become a Secondary School Drama Teacher, and here I was, in my first year of my first teaching job, with a significant period of maternity leave in front of me!! Not very well planned. I knew that they were also disappointed with my choice of partner (from whom I rapidly split) and, most of all, I knew that they were disappointed with my decision to behave in a way contrary to their beliefs and teaching. I felt disappointed with myself, too.

The fact was, that my parents were disappointed. But they were also really sad and worried for me. Eventually, they were excited about their new grandchild, whom they love desperately. This love has taken away any disappointment and now they are continually praising and supporting me as a mum.

But I lived with this lie of disapproval over me for such a long time. Sometimes, the lie tries to sneak back in. Because of this lie, I tried hard to achieve approval. I always looked for praise for Mum and Dad in everything that I did, and yet I was never satisfied that they did approve. I saw my younger brother, Ben, who never seemed to mess up in anything he did, and longed to be just like him. I've never resented Ben, but I did want to be just like him.

Trying to keep my house perfectly clean, keep my garden looking beautiful and fruitful, keeping out of my overdraft, remaining calm with my children and not making hasty decisions was exhausting. You see, it's not really how I do things!!! I am not my mum or my dad - why should I do things just like them? But, that was what I was constantly striving for. My parents love me for who I am. I am, among others things, a product of their parenting. I am what they have made me!!! Yet, I had not seen this. Each day, I try to overcome my need for my parents' approval. I do this because I do not want to live under the control of a lie.

In the same way, many of us believe that we are not worth the best. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to give us "life...and life to the full." He came because He thought you were worth it.

Are you living life "to the full"? Are you enjoying the finer things in life? I'm not talking about a la carte food, fast cars and luxurious holidays. I'm talking about friendships, relationships with the opposite sex, an appreciation of the world around us, rest and relaxation, the satisfaction of creating something beautiful or working hard. Are you surrounding ourself with people who love you, praise you, speak well of you and encourage you to be the "Best You" you can be?

In the Bible, it also describes a woman of "noble character". It says that she is like "the merchant ships". Recently, this was explained to me. A merchant ship delivered. It delivered food, clothes, precious treasures. It was the largest and most important ship on the seas. It was long-awaited and celebrated.

So, according to the Bible, YOU are worth very much indeed. You are important. You bring something unique to the party. Your contribution is long-awaited. You are needed. You are essential to the survival of the human race - even in your own little way. You are significant. You are celebrated and you are appreciated. You are worth so much. You are like the merchant ships. Did you hear that? You!!!

Are you living your life in this truth or are you living in the lies? God's will for us is that we look after ourseles, value ourselves and live our lives in a full understanding of our worth.

So, say it after me, "Me: merchant ship!"