Sorry

I cannot count the amount of times I have had to say "sorry". It is, by no means, my favourite word, and yet it seems to be my most-used word. Most days I say "sorry" to one or all three of my kids, either for giving them the wrong sandwich filling, for getting their names mixed up (three kids, each has a different name..so, you know, pretty tough...) for ignoring them whilst watching "The Real Housewives of Orange County" or for totally losing it, and either smacking them or swearing when I've got too cross. I hate it when I mess up with my beautiful, precious children.

Pretty much daily I say "sorry" to people in the street that I either bump into, or get in the way of. And due to my "emotionally-shaped driving", I frequently shout "sorry" to other drivers whilst doing a "I'm cute, though" smile, after cutting them up on a roundabout. I even say "sorry" for sneezing, passing wind, and coughing.

Last week I said "sorry" to someone. It was a "sorry" I had been meaning to say for a long time, but I'd been too ashamed to admit what I'd done, too scared of being rejected, but also worried that I'd come across as over-dramatic, fussy or attention-seeking. The truth is, I am over-dramatic, fussy and attention-seeking (and I'm not being hard on myself, just real) but I really and truly felt sorry, and felt a need to say it. In the past, when I've needed to say sorry, I have had sleepless nights, physical sickness and extreme anxiety. This time I didn't have that, but I had a nagging whenever I saw my wronged friend. I knew that I had not been supportive. I knew that I had not been mature or helpful. I knew that I had done her wrong. I knew that I needed to say "sorry", whether my friend was concerned about it or not.

When my husband and I went through a marriage preparation course and then, a few years later, The Marriage Course - check out www.relationshipcentral.org - we learnt a lot about saying "sorry" and forgiving each other. We learnt about the importance of dealing with problems, talking about our feelings, (happy and hurt) taking responsibility for our actions, letting go of emotional wounds and looking to put each other first. We realised that we're both pretty good at saying sorry" to each other and forgiving each other. Although we're probably a bit too liberal with our use of the word "sorry".

My husband, Dave, is an amazing man. I could spend all day boasting about how wonderful he is. Right now, as I write this post, my gorgeous man is washing the dishes. He has put the kids to bed, after making the dinner, after driving us about all afternoon, after chatting with my family at a lunch to celebrate Father's Day, after driving our youngest to and from a party, after dressing the kids, after getting their breakfast, after serving me mine whilst I lay in bed, feeling hormonal and reading a book, after praying with me when we woke up because I felt sick. Yep. Super-husband. All-day-long-super-husband. And this is a typical day for my beautiful man. I am truly blessed. Truly blessed.

Dave is especially good at saying "sorry". He even changes to become a better person after he's said "sorry". Wow. That takes effort! He listens to my "grievance", acknowledges my feelings, admits his wrong - be it accidental or intended - and says "sorry". He then goes on to tell me how he intends to change and then makes all efforts to change!!! As I said, "Wow!"

Often when another person challenges me on my wrong-doing, I become hugely defensive, make my excuses, I mean, explain my reasons, and eventually squeeze the word "sorry" out of my pursed, lemon-sucking lips...nice.

"Sorry" is not easy. Whatever we are saying "sorry" for, it can be such a hard word to say. It can also be such a hard word to accept from another. But accepting someone's "sorry" or forgiving, has the same, hugely powerful effect. It sets us free.

Recently, my gorgeous son, admitted to doing something that he shouldn't have done. After he had admitted it to us, he commented that he felt "relieved and so much better." The truth was out, and it had set him free. The next day, he was able to apologise to the person he had wronged. As we drove away, he breathed an audible sigh, "I feel better now, Mum. Let's go home." He was exhausted. So was I!

Not saying "sorry" is exhausting. Feeling guilty is just so tiring, and so much energy is used in remaining stubborn and unapologetic. Holding a grudge is the same. When we allow another's wrong-doing to make us angry, bitter and unforgiving, we have to try hard to hold onto it!

Forgiveness is a choice. It is a deliberate choice. It can seem like a difficult choice. But it is a like choosing to spend a day by the sea. It is like choosing a deep breath of fresh air. It is like choosing a calm and quiet day at the spa. It is like choosing to lay in the grass, watching thesky as the clouds roll by.  Forgiveness is peaceful, fresh, restful and free. For me, saying "sorry" is another form of forgiveness. It is me, forgiving myself, and setting myself free. The world tells us that saying "sorry" and admitting weakness, makes us weak. The truth is that admitting weakness makes us strong. It sets us free to become better, and gets rid of the facade of perfection that so many of us work so hard to keep afloat. We stop wasting energy on faking it, and start enjoying and relaxing in the process of re-shaping that God takes us through. We don't need to work as He does the work for us.

So, last week I was strong and I set myself free. I admitted my wrong-doing. It felt scary and I felt vulnerable, and pretty embarrassed. But, I am so glad that I said "sorry" to my friend. I am also so very glad that she forgave me. Now, I'm free.

Oh, Hello...

Okay. So here I am, writing again. It's been so long (my last post was last year!), but I've not really felt inspired to write. I've been inspired in other areas - baking, sewing and speaking mainly, and been ever-so busy - I've even been working - but I've not felt like I have much to say about much.....

Tomorrow I'm heading off to a women's conference in Bradford. It'll be great. I've been twice before. It's held at a great, outward-reaching church. The conference, called Cherish, is very girlie, lots of pretty decor, girl-themed talks and cakes. Speakers from all over are flown in, and the worship is loud, lively and God-centred. I'll be going with a group of girls, mostly from my church, and it'll be lots of fun to be together and hear from God.

In a few weeks, I'm going to another conference, called Real. It's being hosted by the gorgeous Catrina Benham at Kerith Community Church, and will undoubtedly be excellent in all aspects. Again, an international speaker is being flown in, and I am really excited to hear what God has to say through her.

But, something is stirring in me. Something is unsettled in my spirit. I feel fidgety and dissatisfied. I can't seem to sit still or feel content. Often I feel like this just before I head into a bout of depression. I feel tired, but not able to sleep. I get irritated by little things and cry a lot. This time, though, it feels different.

My son, Reuben is 11 years old. He is in the middle of his last term of Primary School. He has been  there since he was four, but is now preparing to leave. He will be saying goodbye to his friends and teachers, as he is the only child from his current school to be going on to his chosen secondary school. He will be leaving behind the "one classroom system", and singing hymns in assembly. He will not be the eldest in the school anymore, and so he will no longer have the respect or authority of the younger students. Many may feel sadness in Reuben's situation. However, he is ready. He is so ready.

Every day, he talks about his new secondary school. He asks questions about his new locker, his new uniform, his journey to school, where he will be walking alone. He asks about which mobile phone he'll be getting, and when his next visit will be. But his excitement about his new school has made him become negative and irritated by his primary school. He feels bored, fenced in, and simply does not see the point in being there anymore.

I can relate to Reuben's feelings. I have always loved moving. I have relished new starts. I do not find making new friends scary, and I love to start fresh projects. I am great at starting things. I am an innovator. A friend recently prophesied that I was "a midwife". Although I have considered helping women to deliver their babies, this was not what my friend meant. "You start things, create patterns for how they will work, and then pass them on."

I love to star things. But I find finishing very difficult. It does not come naturally to me. When friends move away, I find myself retreating before they go. I avoid saying goodbye. I have started ministries, but always passed them onto others within time. I have many craft projects lying around, unfinished in my home. I like to leave parties earlier than anyone else. The only place where I am the last to leave, is church. And I rarely finish a tube of toothpaste.

When school finished, I was ready to leave. After my time at university, I had had enough and left without tears. My teacher training year ended, and I merrily made my way to my new job. I left my job with excitement about my new husband, our marriage, and finally being able to be at home with my young son. I left my home church, to move to another, with such peace and focus on new ministries and new friends.


And now? Now, I think, my feet are itchy. I am longing for the new. I know where I want to be and what I want to do there...but we are still waiting. I guess that's why I've not written for a while. I am still waiting. God has moved, and things have changed. But we are still waiting. I am not waiting for healing or for the salvation of a loved one, and so I guess I feel a little guilty for feeling so frustrated. But I am still waiting. I'll keep waiting. I trust in God's promises. And I will choose to trust in His timing too.

Extravagance

About eighteen months ago, I went along to a worship and ministry evening at a great church in Maidenhead. During the evening, I received a prophetic painting of a set of knitting needles and a ball of yarn. The painter told me that she felt that God was unravelling me!! The previous roles in ministry that I had held were changing. God wanted to unravel me, and then re-wind me, so that I could be knitted into a new garment. How exciting is that?!?! The painter had no idea that I was a knitter as we'd not met before!!

Later that evening, I was prayed for and anointed with oil, in preparation for the new ministries that God had in store for me. It felt really significant, and I came home full of excitement. You see, for years I have wanted to preach. I've shared my personal story both privately and in public, and I have always enjoyed public speaking. At university, I did a Theatre degree and I was a secondary school teacher for a period of time, so speaking to large groups of people is something I've always found easy and lots of fun. Plus, I often felt that my casual chats with friends turned into sermons, as so often I had really strong feelings about things and felt unable to keep them to myself!!!

So, I waited. I waited for opportunities. I waited for God to tell me what to preach about. I waited for training. I waited for encouragement. I waited for an invitation to speak. I waited....

I've had a few opportunities to preach. I have loved every minute of it. My amazing husband, Dave has been preaching for years, and so he has passed on lots of great advice and wisdom that, in turn, had been shared with him. The best piece of wisdom he passed on came from his friend and former mentor, David Brown, who told him that before we can preach a sermon, the Holy Spirit must first preach it to us.

Great advice. Such wisdom. So much sense!! So, with that in mind, I'd love to share with you something that God is preaching to me about at the moment.

This week, God has called me to change the way I worship Him. Last Sunday, I stood at the back of church , singing, watching my kids run about, and watching other peoples' kids doing the same!!! I watched the church worship, and then I turned to my beautiful friend, Wendy. Wendy is a pleasure to know. She is a delight to spend time with, and she loves Jesus passionately.

As I watched her worship, I noticed a difference between her and the rest of our church. Despite her tiny frame, understated clothes, and incredibly gentle and shy personality, Wendy is extravagant, when it comes to worship. In fact, when it comes to Jesus, she is extravagant, full-stop. She loves to read her bible. She loves to pray. She loves to worship. She loves to introduce others to Jesus and to His church. She cannot stand attention and is not at all into public speaking, but she worships God loudly, whole-heartedly, with her whole body, and without inhibition.

Wendy has four young children and a husband, who often plays in the worship team, and yet she is somehow able to focus on Jesus in worship, listen to what the Holy Spirit is saying, and respond with every fibre of her being. To me, she embodies the verse, "Let everything within me praise Him!" I had to share my feelings with Wendy, that God delights in her extravagance greatly!!!

I was reminded of the woman, in the bible, who broke a precious and valuable jar of perfume, over the feet of Jesus, and then wiped His feet with her hair. I suddenly understood what that woman did, and why it pleased Jesus so much. It was her extravagance. She gave Him everything she had, including any ounce of pride that may have remained within her. She risked making a fool of herself. She risked rejection. She risked ridicule. She risked it all. She surrendered it all.

Being extravagant is not about showing off. It's not about being the centre of attention. It's about our hearts, and it's about rising it all.

How many times have I sung the words, "I surrender all", with my arms in the air, but my mind on the opinions of others? Have I surrendered all? Really? How many times have I held back, fearing that I might look silly?

During this week, God has confirmed in me another calling on my life. This calling involved my husband too. We feel that God has called us to extravagance when it comes to giving. Let me be clear. We are not giving more money that other people. In fact, we're most likely giving less. But, God is calling us to be extravagant in our faith, when it comes to giving and trusting God for His provision. We have seen God's amazing, miraculous provision in our lives very recently. It has amazed us and blessed us. It has built our faith. But it had always come after we have stepped out in faith with our money. When we have given to Gift Days at our church, we have handed over money that has been specifically put aside for other things - holidays, cars, carpets. Every single time, we have still been able to have those things...and more!!! A once-in-a-lifetime anniversary trip to New York City. A Honda CRV, big enough for our whole family, in perfect condition. A free Blue-Ray DVD player, better than our current DVD player!! £1000 in cash, as a gift, from a friend who felt God prompt her to give it to our family. Car repairs paid for outright. Boxes of groceries left on our doorstep. Cheques handed over. Cash handed over. A brand new Citroen Zsara Picasso, just before I gave birth to our second child. A coffee bought by a friend. Brunch from my friend. A day in a lovely health spa. A week's holiday. A deposit for a house. A new pair of shoes. A romantic night out for Dave and I.

I was always taught that the money we receive is not ours, it belongs to God. He has given us money to see what we will do with it.

With the money that God has given us, Dave and I we have bought random bags of cookies, DIY supplies that have remained unused in our shed, clothes that didn't fit properly, shoes that I've worn once, cushions that get thrown off the bed anyway, expensive (and popular) toys that broke within minutes of being given to our kids, haircuts that no-one notices, a surround-sound system that never got connected to out TV, another mascara, dinners that we didn't finish and countless other things. We've also managed to obtain silly loans and an overdraft. Not exactly great use of God's gift. We feel cross with ourselves. Who are we to misuse God's money so very badly?

So, we have decided to make a change. We will be extravagant in our giving and extravagant in our faith. We will be self-controlled and disciplined with our spending, of both God's money and God's time.

When God gave us Jesus, He gave the most precious thing He had. He gave extravagantly. When Jesus gave His life for us, He gave up the most precious relationship available - a relationship with God. He gave extravagantly.When we worship, we can choose to hold something back, or be extravagant. When we give our tithes and offerings, we can hold some back for "a rainy day", or trust our Lord and Saviour to shelter us from the rain!!! We can live lives limited by our weaknesses, lack of faith and inhibitions. Or, we can be radical. We can be extravagant, just like God has been with us.

Is it really too much for us to give it all back...extravagantly? Doesn't He deserve it?

God's Call

An amazing thing is happening. God is calling me. I know for loads of my readers who are not Christians this may sound really odd, but it is really real for me at the moment. The phone did not ring. I did not get the "You've Got Mail" sound on my mobile. Nobody rang my doorbell. But all I can think about is one thing only, and how I really want to be a part of it, serving God, loving people, building relationships. And one morning, I heard an audible voice wake me up...but more of that later!!!

The day before my birthday, which is the 16th August, Dave told me of a new project. My reaction was, "oh...right."- Such was my knowledge of THAT PROJECT. The next day, we watched a film. The main character uttered the words, "I know what I have to do to. I have to..." THAT PROJECT, again. Repeatedly, we engaged in conversations where THAT PROJECT was brought up by the other party.

THAT PROJECT is not something I have experience in. It is not something I have heard much about. It is not something that I have always wanted to do. It is not a safe bet, an easy ride or a project of my dreams, and yet I am dreaming about THAT PROJECT, almost nightly. THAT PROJECT. THAT PROJECT.

One morning, I was woken up by a loud voice saying, "Start big!" It was loud, excited, clear and strong. It made me jump out of bed! NOTHING makes me jump out of bed!!! Bed is one of my favourite places. But, that voice did make me jump up, wake up and feel ready. I feel ready to follow Jesus, whatever He wants me to do.

So, we are praying. We are waiting. God knows what we need to make the next step. He knows the obstacles we will overcome. He knows our own weaknesses. He knows my insaitable need for adventure. He knows how carried away I can get. He knows whether we'll do it or not.

Right now, I'm sat in my hallway, typing this post. Only He knows at I'll be doing tomorrow!!!
So I ask you to pray. Pray for us. We want to hear God and He knows what we need...please pray...and then I can tell you all the details!!!

How Long?

How long has it been since I last wrote? Too long, is my answer as I LOVE to do this and I feel fidgety if I don't write... There's no real reason, other than life getting in the way - school runs, coffee with girlfriends, making stuff (pin cushions for leaving teachers, bridesmaid dresses for my brother's wedding, jam for the winter after foraging sessions with the kids, an amazing veggie patch that has given out strawberries, carrots, broccoli, courgettes, peas, bean, corn....awesome), family holidays, school holidays...It's all just "stuff". Important stuff, sure, but it's the same stuff that distracts me from precious time I should be spending with Jesus and time I should be spending just "being", breathing, watching, thinking, writing, praying....

If I look back, I have often asked the question, "how long?" As we returned from a recent holiday to Kent, we stopped for an urgent skinny hazelnut latte....I stood in a slow, long queue, waiting to be served. A kind and smiley barista calmly and carefully took his time with each order, making sure the foam was of a high quality, that the espresso was smooth and not too strong or weak, gently, but firmly placing the lid onto each cup, ensuring a pleasurable coffee for each customer. What fantastic service, all with a smile. And yet, it was not fast enough for me. When I finally received my coffee, faking a smile, thanking him through gritted teeth, I grumbled to my poor, long-suffering husband as we left the service station, stating the wait to be the longest I had EVER experienced for a coffee, and asking him to remind me to avoid this coffee shop in future. The coffee, incidentally, was delicious and was demolished in minutes.

I am just terrible at waiting. Waiting seems so unnecessary. It seems like needless torture. It seems like a cruel joke that God plays on us to show us that He is really in charge and there's nothing we can do about it.

A month or so ago, I was invited to speak at a church in Surrey. And I spoke on Waiting. At the time, we were waiting for money to buy a car. Ours had broken and we therefore were relying on lifts from friends, local buses and our feet!! I had been waiting for healing from depression for about three years. I had been waiting for a diagnosis for our son, who has found the school environment pretty tough since he got there!! We had waited for a new job for Dave after redundancy. I had watched friends wait for healing from cancer, other friends wait for a baby. I had waited for a new ministry to unfold for me. For such a long time I have longed to speak, to preach to share what God is telling me, and how He is changing and teaching me. I had prayed, I had been prayed for and I had been anointed with oil!! By a real-life pastor!!! (And I had been waiting for my husband to fix the cupboard door under the stairs....)

I spoke about how God wants to use us as we wait. He has an urgent use for our gifts and strengths while we wait. He has a place for each of us to serve while we wait. He wants to use our waiting to teach us patience, yes, but He will also change us while we wait. He takes us through periods of waiting, not just to make us appreciate the time when He finally answers our questions or when He blesses us with what we have longed for, but also so that we can learn how to trust Him, believe in Him and become more like Him.

At the moment, I am waiting. I am waiting for God to show us where to go, what to do and when to do it. I have a history of impatience and it seems that I also have a history of forgetfulness. Because, in my life, I have often waited. I have not collapsed under the pressure or been disappointed with God's intervention. An intervention, I might add, that has always come, in His time.

You see, God did not give us money for a new car. He gave us a car. A generous family in our amazing church passed on their Honda CRV - big enough for our three kids and us, in great condition, with a full MOT and service.

God has delivered me from the hold that depression had over my life. I am still careful to rest, medicate myself and look out for the signs, but I am no longer bound by the fear of a breakdown.

We have a clear and correct diagnosis for our son - Autistic Spectrum Disorder. He understand his feelings now and, although we are still on a journey, we feel better able to understand him and guide him well.

Dave got a new job, and there was not a day when we went without food, treats and fun.

We have known four people who have been given the all-clear of cancer - one I only learned of today!!! Cancer has killed some, but we have seen restoration in the lives of their husbands, wives and children, and we have been greatly comforted by the sure and certain knowledge of their eternal life with Jesus!!

We have seen a number of miracle babies born after long waits, and also we have seen orphaned and abandoned children blessed with new, loving, adoptive parents.

More opportunities and invitations to speak have emerged, and I have loved every minute, feeling so very encouraged and blessed, by sharing in other people's journey with Jesus.

God has not let me down. He has not ignored me. He has answered and He has blessed me. The cupboard door for under the stairs is still not fixed.....but I can wait!

Check out my latest article.... www.heyuguys.co.uk/2011/04/15/so-my-husband-is-a-film-nerd-confessions-of-a-cine-widow/ Let me know what you think!!!

New York

Dave and I recently took a trip to New York. I know!! New York!!! We got in a real aeroplane, flew a long way away, and then landed in the United States of America and went to New York!!! It was completely amazing, seeing sights we've seen on TV and in films, eating a hotdog on the street, bought from a vendor on the street, seeing an NYPD cop on a horse on the pavement, riding in yellow taxi - the real deal. It was amazing. I could go on and on for pages about everything that we did and saw, but I'm going to keep it brief...
Thursday...
Leave the UK at 8pm
Land 8 hours later in Newark, New Jersey.
Meet our gorgeous friends, the Nicksons, and drive to their house in Summit, NJ.
Chat, eat paninis, pass out.

Friday...
Early morning brekkie at home.
Run for train.
Miss train.
Pop over to Manhattan Bagel for coffee.
Train to New York City.
Get very excited when seeing Empire State Building from train.
Walk from Penn Station to Times Square.
Do lots of filming with my brother's flip cam.
Toys R US, Hershey's Store, Build a Bear Workshop.
Walk up 7th Avenue to FAO Schwartz
See the BIG piano (you know the one?)
See edge of Central Park.
Hail yellow cab to Ground Zero.
Ground Zero under construction, but visit preview memorial. Very moving.
Walk back through Greenwich Village.
Stop for yum deli sandwich and burger.
See and stand outside the Huxtable Residence - I have an addiction to the Cosby Show!!!
Walk back to Penn to get train.
Nearly die of exhaustion on train.
Arrive back in Summit to meet the youth from the Nickson's new church.
Dinner with Dave & Roey at fab restaurant. Yum food.
Go home. Pass out again.

Saturday...
Drive into NYC.
Eat amazing Eggs Benedict at Pershing Square Cafe, opposite Grand Central Station
Walk to Rockefeller
NBC Studios tour...fab...especially Sam Nickson's weatherman debut...AMAZING
Macy's
Starbucks
Home for lovely dinner...clever Roey.
Chilling in front of TV.
Ridiculously early and unsociable bedtime for me...sorry guys.

Sunday...
Lie in...lovely
Buffet breakfast in Morristown, NJ, with Sam & Dave - great conversation, yummy food.
Church @ Liquid - a fantastic and inspiring church...we get all excited about our calling and what God wants OUR church to be like!!!!!
Buffet lunch in Morristown with Dave, Roey & Sam - again great conversation, yummy food.
Home to chill.
Pop to Walmart and grab some beers for....
The Superbowl!!!! Party with munchies, drinks and great company - a lovely Teo, The Ropers, The Nicksons and the Adamsons. None of us notice Christina Aguliera's mistakes, but we LOVE the Black Eyed Peas' half-time entertainment!!!
Chilled evening.

Monday...
Train into NYC
Yellow cab to...
Ice skating in Central Park
Lunch at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. - AMAZING coconut shrimps...
Subway to Staten Island Ferry.
Starbucks....short of 53 cents, and a lady gives me a dollar. We chat, we laugh...great to be told I don't look like a tourist!!!
Ferry to Staten Island - great views of Manhattan skyline and Statue of Liberty...I recall lines from "Clueless" ("And may I remind you, that it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty!") (we didn't get close enough for me to check) and imagine I am Melanie Griffiths in "Working Girl" on my way to work (big hair, power suit, trainers, Carly Simon singing "Jerusalem" in the background.)
Subway back to Penn.
Train back to Summit.
Panini kindly and expertly made by Roey.
Hugs, kisses, messages filmed for Roo.
Car ride to Newark.
Hugs, kisses, more filming.
Flight leaves 2 hours late.
Home in England by 11.30am.

Wow - what an adventure - I'm sure I've forgotten loads. But, there's one thing I can't forget, and that is the servant heart of so many people we met in America. It was summed up in one phrase; "You're welcome". We had so much to thank people for; directions, food, quick service, information, smiles. Those people were happy to serve us. "You're welcome". I've started to say it to my children when they say "thank you", but I still cannot quite say it in the same way. Because, it's not just a phrase, it's an attitude.

Our trip to New York was amazing, a once-in-a-lifetime trip. We were blessed to spend time with our precious friends, the Nicksons, to whom we owe so much. We loved going to Liquid Church - a great place that will always have had a huge impact on us. And we were set an amazing example of being a servant by that great waiter in Greenwich Village, that friendly train guard at Penn, the smiley shop assistant in the Build a Bear Workshop, the hundreds of police officers, the awesome servers in Bubba Gump, the leaders and members of Liquid, the lovely, polite young neighbour of our friends.

I really hope that when I serve others, that they will know that I love to serve them, and that they are truly welcome.

PS - photos to follow!!!